Prophesied

Brigit’s Flame Writing Community

July 2015 | Month-o-Minis | Week Four

TITLE: Prophesied

WORD COUNT: 400 words

“The beginnings of all things are small.”

King Valisen smashes his fist onto the table. The gathered men turned worried gazes onto him. Lately, he had been in a frenzy of sorts. They were half-inclined to say that he was descending into insanity but he was still their King – for however long more there was a kingdom for him to rule – and as such they kept their thoughts to themselves.

As if to emphasize the shortness of King Valisen’s remaining time to rule, an explosion rocks the castle – their last remaining stronghold in this war against magic. It was a war the King started 17 years ago.

The door opens and wide-eyed lark announces the loss of the outer courts and the King’s shoulder slumps. That loss meant the castle will soon be taken. He had no more cards to play. And even if did have any, he wasn’t sure he would have. He had already lost much during this lengthy war.

“Leave me.” He commands.

They nodded in understanding.

“It’s a funny thing, knowing the future.” A taunting voice says.

“YOU!” Valisen hisses at the sight of the soothsayer from 18 years ago. “Because of you!”

“It’s in the pursuit to change the future that we make them reality.” Arnhem says. “It was you who created the monster in your fear of my prophecy – no, your own son. Your rash actions spurred him into action.” He pauses. “And he shall be gentle and kind and greatly loved – a King among Kings!

“That…”

“You should’ve listened in entirety before banishing me.” Arnhem grins. “His mother and friends would still be alive.”

The door crashes to the floor and Prince Xerhim steps in, the visage of power and hatred. Valisen opens his mouth to speak, his eyes watering but Xerhim raises a hand to stop him.

“You’re my father, so I shall not kill you.” He says coldly. “Besides, death is not a good enough atonement for all you’ve done.”

Again, Valisen moves to speak but once more he was cut off.

“As of this moment, you are banished from Vahyan and stripped of all your titles.” Xerhim says. “Lead him out.”

“Xerhim, forgive me please.” Valisen begs as he is lead away by a gleeful Arnhem.

The only response to his cries was the stony back of the son he tried to kill. The beginning of all things are, indeed, small. And sometimes, so is the ending.


♦◊♦

Brigit’s Flame Writing Community is hosting their July Month-o-Minis and yours truly has entered my humble piece “Emotionlessly Emotional” for the week 3. Voting is now open, so if you think that my entry is satisfying, kindly vote for me by clicking ⇒here

Thank you for reading.

— N

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Prophesied

  1. I like what you are trying to do. You write quite well N. In 400 words it’s a challenge to achieve a start middle and end. You probably tried to achieve too much this time.

    Like

  2. Ah, what an interesting start. I feel like this piece could be expanded, and I do hope you choose to do that. It is difficult, as others have said, to achieve a lot in 400 words. I want to know more about what the King has done. Is the bold part the prophecy the king actually heard that spurred him on to attempt to kill his son?

    Also, just an FYI: you dialogue punctuation is a little off. There should be commas instead of periods before things like he begged. Example: “Xerhim, forgive me please.” Valisen begs should be: “Xerhim, forgive me please,” Valisen begs. And you slipped in a few past tenses in there. (I do that too when I write in present tense!). Simple fixes of course. I hope pointing them out isn’t upsetting. I know stories can be personal and critiques can make them feel like attacks. This is just a note for the future to make you stronger in your writing.

    I think you definitely have something here though that you could flesh out into a larger story. Good job! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks~~~ I just couldn’t find my muse for this prompt and it’s annoying really, this little habit of mine, to write in past tense…. present tense gets jumbled up and looks weird… 😦
      Of course I don’t mind the critique~~it’s why I started this site in the first place~~^^

      Like

      1. I know what you mean. Past tense is my go to tense so anything but tends to sound strange unless I’m in first person, but I rarely write in first. This prompt was difficult for me too.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Indeed, as said above, 400 words is quite a story-making challenge! This piece struck me as something very close to fan-fic, perhaps because of the king/prince/magic war premise. Not that that’s a bad thing. I didn’t see the first draft, but by looking at comments above it seems you cleaned up a lot of troublesome spots. Good job 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad you were able to join us again for the last July contest. Hopefully, you’ll find stronger inspiration in our future contests. I’ve had weeks like that myself. I really want to write, but the prompt doesn’t hit the right triggers.

    Regarding the tenses you mentioned above, it really just takes practice and diligent rereading. As we write our first draft the focus is on getting our ideas out. It’s the next pass where the slow, deliberate read through starts to highlight typos and errors. I know when I have trouble really getting into the story I’m writing, I end up writing that first draft until the last possible moment and barely leave time for editing. Try reading the story out loud to yourself. That’s when things really jump out at me.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s